Ivy Tied Up |

My sister. Now here I give you permission to tell me i’m a selfish twit. That I have no right to feel the way I do. That would really make me feel better.. Honestly.. Tell me that I should keep my trap shut and buck up and stop being such a selfish brat that her child just was diagnosed with cancer. Thats hard on a parent! No parent should have to go through that..

I totally believe no parent should ever have to go through that. No parent should have that burden and no child should ever have to be so sick.

Now why am I upset. Other than the obvious that my nephew has cancer and has to go through Chemo..

Lets see..

1. Wed.. When I found out something was wrong with my nephew and that it might be cancer. I found out from my mom. Thats fine.. huh.. Well later I find out that all my sisters friends knew before I did. They all knew that there was even a potential problem and that they were going to houston to have tests run and see the drs there.. I didnt even know he had a lump! I live 15 minutes from my sister.. I didnt know.. Her friends in Dallas knew.. Her friends at work knew..

Okay I got over that.. For the most part..

2. Friday I find out on MYSPACE that the cancer hasnt spread.. She didnt even call me. She made a myspace bulletin and thats how I found out.. She couldnt take 2 freaking minutes to include me and say,Hey the cancer hasnt spread. Instead i’m lumped in with all the people she might talk to once a year.. YET she damn sure called her friends..

Pardon me.. But I thought family was important.. I thought it was the backbone. I thought it was supposed to come first.. Anytime anything important has ever gone on with my kids her and my mother are the first to know. They are the first ones on my call list. So how is it that I mean so little to her that i’m the LAST to know everything with her? It doesnt matter what it is.. I’m always last. ALWAYS.. I understand she just found otu her son has cancer.. And thats a very traumatic thing. But I know if it was my child.. I’d be going to my family first..

The history with her just makes it worse. When is it okay to cut someone out of your life who hurts you time and time again? Who always puts you last no matter how important or trivial it is? I was put last when she got married too.. I was given garbage detail while everyone was taking family pictures.. Did I mention.. Her wedding pictures.. Her friends are in them.. My family is in them.. Her husbands family is in them.. Who is missing? Me! I was sent to do trivial chores while she enjoyed her friends. While her friends became her family.. I’ve been there her ENTIRE life.. I’ve picked up her pieces over and over again. YET people she has known less than 10 years were put way above me.. I was reduced to the hired help.. Only I wasn’t paid!

I’m tired of being hurt.. Over and over again by her..In order to stop that and be happy. I’ve got to change who or what she is to me.. I can not control her. But I can control the effect she has on me. Right?

Doctors appt is Thursday.. I’ve gone over it in my head a thousand times..

It gets ugly.. I don’t think people realize the impact lies can have on someones life. Some one’s future. Or maybe they do. Maybe thats what they want. Such a severe impact that it follows them for the rest of their lives and constantly bites them in the ass..

When people lie to cause someone that much pain I have to believe in Karma.. What goes around will eventually come around. When people lie to get someone in so much trouble that it causes their world to crash and be thrown upside down, I have to believe that person who caused the damage is going to in the end get hers. She has to when she is only trying to hurt people.

Why anyone would want to hurt people this severely is beyond me. But I’ve known her since I was a kid and it is her history. A small part of me doesn’t fault her because a VERY small part of me knows where she is coming from. Hurt them so they can’t hurt you and leave you with nothing. now I did say a VERY small part of me that is.. I don’t believe in lying to better yourself. I don’t believe in lying period. In the end. Lies always come back to haunt you. You have to lie again to save the first lie. Then others get involved and its a never ending circle. And when you hold someones life in your hands like she does.. The price will be high for her lies.

I’m so over all this drama.. I”m told to be supportive yet i’m not allowed to have an opinion or say anything. I’m told to hush and sit back quietly but I have to be supportive too. I dont know if I want to. I dont know if I want to stand up and stand quietly. I don’t know if its worth it. I just want to walk away. I can’t take anymore family drama. It seems to follow me everywhere I go. I dont even have to open my mouth and its there.. Like a lion on its prey. Its waiting on me at every turn. I can’t escape it. Its going to swallow me whole.

My husband is running around trying to dope me up on xanax… Scared im going to flip out.. Honestly.. I’M FINE! I don’t feel anything though. I should be upset and angry. But im not.. Although this person’s lies has my future in her hands and my families future in her hands. I should be raging mad.. But i’m not. She has the ability to destroy my life and i’m not mad.. She wont recant though and tell the truth because then she’ll be arrested and charged with making a false statement to police officers.. So no chance of that.. We’ll end up in court..

This is going to cost us a ton of money. Money we dont have.. So that just adds to hubby’s opinion i need to be doped up on xanax to prevent a freak out.. I am fine.. My nerves are fine.. He says,”you havent spoken two words” no I havent.. not in a few days. I asked him what he wanted me to say.. He said,”talk to me” I said,”what do you want from me” he said to talk to me.. I said ,”i have nothing to say”.. He then continues I need to take something. I really don’t.. I’m fine. Normally i’m a very vengeful person. If someone screws me.. I’ll make sure they don’t ever do it again.. I’ll be out to hurt them and make sure they know exactly who they fucked with.. I don’t feel that right now..

I dont feel anything right now. Maybe that should be scary.. maybe it is a little bit. At least when there is emotion you know something is going on and you wont “blow up” eventually.. maybe thats what he is scared of happening. But right now.. I’m fine.. If eel calm.. I feel fine. I’m not angry and I should be.. i have every right to be.. MY future.. MY KIDS Futures.. Are all on the line right now.. All because one stupid idiot’s lust for revenge against a family member.. She decided not only was she going to drag him down. But she’d drag us down, my inlaws down and the whole entire family.. She is working hard on it too.

So hubby thinks i need xanax to survive this.. Thing is.. I dont need anything. I dont have anything to say because i’m dealing with inner demons. I’m trying to figure out if I want to fight this fight. Yeah I probably seem a bit chicken shit. When the tough gets going.. Ivy runs.. its not like that though. The truth is.. I’ve had all I can take. The drama with this family never ends. And I dont know if i’m willing to do it anymore. If i’m willing to take it on anymore and be the supportive “_______”’s wife.. If i’m willing to sit quietly in my corner and deal with their shit insisting I not have a voice anymore. I wont have a choice.. I wont get to have my voice or opinion heard no matter how loud I speak. It affects me but my opinion isnt noted or even cared about. So why should I fight in this? Why should I stick around and give a damn? WHY am i suppose to care? It’s not my fight. I’m tired of fighting for my right to survive this family.

Is the drama following me? or is it them?? I really dont know!
But I know when someone lies to make themselves better off in the future and hurt those she wishes to squash.. I know it can turn your entire life upside down and the burden is on you to prove you are innocent not her to prove you arent..

Hubby went and had a MRI done on tuesday due to back pain that wont stop since the wreck and tremors he is having when he lays down at night to go to sleep.. he is keepin gme up and himself.. both of us are exhausted.. Well the MRI which we had to pay cash for.. Showed he has a bulging disc at L4 & L5 and that his dr can’t treat it.. They can send him to a surgeon or an Ortho dr but neither we can afford.. and neither have payment plans.. So basically its a live with it type deal.. And live on pain meds i guess.. who knows.. He is still working. Its our only source of income so thats a must.. Grr..

Its almost complete! All the contractors have left is to finish putting up trim.. But they cant get to that yet because of us.. We have to finish painting the bathroom.. So they can come do the trim in there and put the mirror back up.. Its happening slowly..

Here are a few pictures so far.. Ignore the spots that need to be touched up and the area’s where the wall meets floor.. Thats where the trim has to go..LOL

This is bug’s room.. He picked out his flooring..
[img]http://www.venusspeaks.com/ivytiedup/photos/data/media/26/abcdef.jpg[/img]

I hate the flooring personally but he loves it..

This is the hallway.. the tile that is down is also whats in the bathroom now as well..
[img]http://www.venusspeaks.com/ivytiedup/photos/data/media/26/abc.jpg[/img]

Its coming along.. Its just minor stuff now..Which is good because the baby is coming friday!!!!!!!!!!!
Assuming I make it that long. they didnt expect me to make it this far.. This was told to me at my last appt last week..
Its been a rough 2 weeks.. As Sitting here or standing or whatever REALLY hurts.. I cant do much becasue it causes too much pain.. Cant even lift a laundry basket!

My sister came over yesterday and cleaned up the kids rooms and helped with the living room and kitchen (which I had almost done anyway).. My mom came the weekend before and Painted and stuff.. All thats left to do is my bedroom.. Its been something getting ready for this with the house being a wreck too!

We are almost ready though. If he makes his arrival today we’d be okay! I’m still in shock that next week i’ll have 4 kids.. I’ll be managing with 4 kids!!!!!!!!! Hubby is only going to miss 1 day of work.. For the surgery and thats it.. Then he will be off on Monday for the holiday and then back to work on tuesday..So that leaves me recovering from surgery with a newborn, toddler and 2 kids in school.. Its going to be tough but i’ve done it everytime by myself I can do it this time too.. We simply cant afford for him to miss anymore work than he has too.. Luckily if all goes as planned he wont miss any hours at all as they are off on fridays normally anyhow..

I’m still really nervous about this surgery.. I’ve had it 3 times but am still scared.. I’ll be okay..But STILL SCARED!

ME! For having the most difficult parents in the entire world. or atleast thats how it seems anyway. Since friday i’ve been dealing with family trouble again. And none other than my parents at that.. AGAIN!

This time i’m completely worn down.. I’m not sure how I feel at this point. Im so tired and exhausted from it I cant see which way is up. My mom left my dad again. My dad calls me friday morning stating he is going to my moms job and is going to kill himself. YES you read correctly.. KILL himself. Now I head up there.. Cops are there.. They wont do anything. They tell us to talk to a judge..

Nothing is working out. he calms down. He acts fine for 3 days!! 3 days.. He acts normal. Then tonight he calls me ranting and ravnig and screaming and crying. He was yelling at me. He said he needed help. I offered to go get him and get him help. He says nO!!!!!!!!!!!! MAKE YOUR M OTHER DO IT! My mother is NOT going to go over there..

He then starts yelling stuff about my mom not telling me about their fight. That its weird. That its secretive and that its not normal for her to not talk ot me about it. I told him that she doesnt tell me about everything. That i’m their child and that they are my parents. I’ve also been sick and run down and havent had a voice for 3 days! He starts yelling that Im an adult. NOT a child.. I told him I am an adult but i am THEIR child.. Not to be brought into the middle of their arguements! He starts yelling that its all lies, all lies, all secrets, all secrets and lies and that i’m lying for her..

At this point he is making ZERO sense.. NONE.. He starts yelling and carrying on a conversation with himself at this point. only he is screaming at the top of his lungs.. YES IT IS YES IT IS.. I have no idea what he is talking about. Then he starts accusing me of this and that and saying i’m lying.. And then he starts telling me that i’m just like them. Just like them! That i can just call him when I need something and he is going to do me just like i’ve done him..

My question..HOW have I done him? I call all the time just to see how hei s doing.. I stop by his job to see if he’d like to go to lunch.. I offer him help. I’ve ALWAYS been there!!! ALWAYS..
BUT because i’m not willing to get into their relationship crap and the non stop rollercoaster that it is.. I’m now lying and bad and not involved and i dont care about him i just want something from him.. ..

How do you be there for someone who wants to hurt you? Who insults you and tries to make you feel bad and guilty when you are just trying ot help them? I’ve never turned my back on my family but now i dont know how not to. Ive got kids to raise and a family to take care of. I cant spend so much of my time and my energy dealing with something from someone who is an adult and refuses help.. And I cant force him to get help..