Ivy Tied Up |

Things have been rather up in the air lately. Not really going well. Dh has been the usual asshole that he is so good at being.. The kids are driving me mad but they’ll be going back to school in 2 weeks.  Dh has had my nerves on edge.. If its not one thing with him its another. He is badly addicted to pain pills. Its causing us all kinds of problems and he is constantly telling me he is in pain. The amount of pain pills he is putting into his body is causing other problems. A lil tmi here but its caused severe constipation to the point of where I had to haul him to hte hospital the other day. All this bullshit is just getting old. he is causing his own problems and i’m tired of dealing with them. He is moody and its annoying.

I’m looking into becoming a substitute teacher at my kids school to get my out of the house.. We’ll see how that goes..

Otherwise i’m doing fine.. I go back to the dr on the 28th.. i’m falling between mania and depression alot.. I think he needs to increase my meds. I feel like thins will never get better then I remember they could be worse..

I havent decided if i’m going to close my blog or not.. But I have decided to stay here for now..  More later

I’m thinking about closing my blog.. More to come later.. maybe

This is very scary to think about. If you don’t know what dry drowning is or have never heard of it please read this article. A 10 year old little boy died more than an hour after getting out of the pool. I hadn’t ever heard of it before!

The article says:

According to the Centers for Disease Control, some 3,600 people drowned in 2005, the most recent year for which there are statistics. Some 10 to 15 percent of those deaths was classified as “dry drowning,” which can occur up to 24 hours after a small amount of water gets into the lungs. In children, that can happen during a bath.

Then says:

The three important signs, he said, are difficulty breathing, extreme tiredness and changes in behavior. All are the result of reduced oxygen flow to the brain.

Whats so upsetting/scary about it is that these symptoms are common after a child goes swimming. Very hard to tell the difference. Children are often extremely fatigued after swimming. I know mine are.. This article makes me want to sponge bathe my kids!

Had you heard of this before?

I’ve been having connection issues with my Internet for the last few days and tech support is zero help. I’ve had this problem in the past and it seems to be weather related. They literally need to come out here and run a new line but wont do it. Anyhow that wont be an issue after tomorrow because the cable company is coming out to install cable Internet and tv. We haven’t had cable in years. I can’t wait! There is only so many times you can watch the same kids movies over and over again before you start to go a little crazy.

 Bug has been having issues at school. He is staying in trouble and causing problems in the classroom. Apparently he wants to be the class clown. His teacher is at her wits end but wont send him to the principal. I’ve done all I can at home. Punishing him for his behavior at school. Its not working. My suggestion to the teacher was to send him to the principal maybe then he’d take it seriously. Until he learns there are consequences at school for his actions he wont learn. Other than his behavior his grades are good.

 The other kids are doing fairly well. Diva brought her failing math grade up to a 70. Its not heaven but its better than nothing. Sugar is in love still. ONly with a different boy now.. That kid cracks me up but worries me all the same. Wyatt is pretty much doing typical toddler stuff. We’ve found out tantrums are fun and get us no where, but he still proceeds to kick his feet when he doesnt get his way.

I hid my meds again from dh. I hid them last time but he found them. Hopefully he doesnt find them. He knows how mad I was/am over the whole thing. He seems concerned but he is still an addict and an addict can’t be trusted.

Girl scout cookies come in tomorrow.. This is a big deal.  My troop can’t wait to get their cookies. And anyone who has had GS cookies in the past knows they are the best! Last thing I need.. I gained 5 lbs of the 20lbs I lost back.. BLECH!I feel so gross.. I think i’ll donate the cookies I ordered to support the troop.. I think i’ll donate them back to the troop!

I bought 2 ivy’s this weekend. Any dibs on how long they’ll stay alive?

I think thats it for now…

 UPDATE: Cable company didnt show up! Called me at 7pm and asked me to reschedule. They can’t come back till THURSDAY OF NEXT WEEK!!!!!!!!!! They offered me a 20$ credit on my bill.. Ticks me off! BIG TIME! because i’m still having connection issues and the damn phone company wont fix them!

To you, who stole everything from me.

This letter has been a long time coming. I owe you for so much. You deserve credit for so much. Considering you’ll be getting out of prison soon for a crime you committed against someone else I figured it was due time I write down my feelings. Maybe I can remove some of the burden i carry with me daily. You deserve credit for that burden. You’ll never be punished for your crimes you committed against me, my sister, or my cousin but we’ll never forget. We’ll never let it go. They say its best to forgive but you my friend i’ll never forgive because I can never forget. You deserve credit for that.

You deserve credit for the fact that I cant sleep at night. For the night mares I have sometimes. For the reoccurring dreams that leave me scared and feeling alone. You deserve credit for those. You deserve credit for my fear. My inability to go out in public with out feeling as if people are watching me and in turn me having to watch everyone’s every move. The panic attacks I have if a stranger touches me..Yes, you deserve credit for that.

The fact that i’ll never let anyone close to me. I hold everyone at an arms length away. Wont ever let anyone near or in for fear they’ll hurt me or take advantage of me. After all someone very close to me that I was supposed to trust did just that.. Yeah that you deserve credit for. Then there is the memories that cause me to panic if someone walks into a bathroom with me. My own husband cant walk into a bathroom with me because I panic and start crying. Your name is written all over that one.

You deserve credit for my unwillingness to hug people. I feel like they are trying to restrain me. Its that whole dont touch me thing. You worked me over good with that one. I owe you for years of therapy that hasnt gotten me anywhere but able to write this letter. I owe you for endless medications trying to make me feel better.

According to my shrink I owe you for many many things. Mainly my inability to trust anyone but myself. That seems to be the main problem for me. And I give you full 100% credit for that. Who else but you could have done that to me. After all you started fucking me over when I was but a SMALL child. You raped me of my innocence and took so many things i’ll never get back.

I live my life trying to protect those that I value the most from people like you. Once you are out of prison i’ll make sure my kids never see your face. You are not welcome around my family. You will never again be part of my family. You deserve credit for that. You made me who I am today. While I have so many things stacked against me thanks to you I’ve also got so much going for me. I struggle daily to cope with all that you’ve done to me. But its made me stronger in so many ways. I’m no longer that 5 year old little girl who broke her arm trying to get away from you and I meant what I said when I was 14. Do you remember? I’ll spend the rest of my life making sure you don’t harm another. I feel no pain when I said if you ever touched me again i’d break you. I mean it now if you ever come near me or my children i’ll break you. Thats a promise. Your threats worked on a 5 year old.. They worked when I was 10. I’m no longer scared of you and i’m not scared to tell my story.

You’re the reason I am who I am
Ivy

I had a drs appt on thursday. Which just happened to be my birthday.. I’m lying to everyone and telling them i’m 23 in an attempt to avoid turning 30 in 2 years..

The appointment went okay. I wasnt feeling my best. I was actually feeling pretty crappy. Not sick just not mentally there. He asked how I was and I said okay. I guess saying okay to your shrink isnt okay.. Because apparently to them (or atleast to him) okay means something is wrong.. Who am I to argue.. Something IS wrong. Something certainly is not right. I just dont feel right.. I dont know how I feel. Just not right.

TO say i’m stressed would be an understatement. I’ve started having panic attacks. Its been 10 years since i’ve had panic attacks. Last time I got this stressed out I got really sick and couldnt get well. This time i’m just having panic attacks. I feel like someone is stabbing me in the chest and I cant breathe.. I can’t cope with the stress. I can not handle all the stress being put on me and like I told the shrink. I can’t walk away from the stress and say ,” i dont want to handle this”. It doesnt work that way. I have no choice. I have to deal with this mess.. Its part of my Job. Its part of being mom and wife. Its part of my responsibility. I can’t walk away. I can’t say ,’Okay i’ve had enough i’m done.” I dont have that option. I have to continue dealing with it. I have to continue. Yet i’m not coping or dealing. I’m getting “sick” in some sense of the world. Mentally sick.

The dr put me on ativan for the time being. he was going to put me on klonopin (SPL) but wanted to try what they had given me 10 years ago when i had the panic attacks before. I dont think its working though.

I’m so over this!!!!!!!!!!! DH’s lawyer had the court date put off AGAIN! I was looking forward to having it over and done with. Even if it was costing us money I wanted it over with. THe closure. It finished. Over with. DONE! but nope I have to stay on pins and needles because they are putting it off again..

Now something else..
I didnt plan on being a troop leader for my daughters girl scout troop. I had actually signed on to be co leader but the leader was not involved ever. SHe never showed up and I was planning everything so she decided to step down and be co leader instead of leader.. I’ve been wearing the weight of this on my own.. Its easy but time consuming. In some odd way I think it helps keep me sane atleast for the time being.

The kids are doing well. Report cards come out on friday. Diva is not doing well so i’m sitting on the edge of my seat to see how she has done. Bug is doing really well . He seems to like school. Sugar is in love. at 5 years old completely smitten with this boy in her class and has been since day one. She tells me all the time that he is “the one”.. Yes she is 5!!!! She got completely upset last week because he wasnt there all week. She hated school and didnt want to go back. This week he is there and she tells me,”I cant take my eyes off him mom!” DH and I busted out laughing.. Wyatt is being wyatt.. Typical 17 month old boy. Cars and trucks get him going and he is acting out showing his bum every chance he gets.. Testing those boundaries every single day. So cute you cant help but laugh at him when he does something. Mental note.. Gotta stop that!

I dont know!!!!!!!!! I’m stressed to the max and if stress is a trigger I guess this could be the beginning stages of mania. Or is this what mania on meds can be like? I can’t sleep. I’m tired but cant sleep. My mind is going 90 to nothing again. I can’t stop thinking about stuff..

Did I tell you guys that my girls joined the girl scouts? Did I mention that i’m a troop leader? That i’m also heading the cookie sells for my troop as well? and did I mention that my co leader has basically quit on me? Well i’m dreaming about the girl scouts now. Far out there dreams..

I know this isnt full blown mania. No where close. Not even half way there.. so maybe this is the beginning? I’m irritable.. Big time irritable.. I can’t concentrate on anything. I’ve switched off making this post 4 times now to look at something else.. its taking me almost 45 minutes to complete this little bitty post.. imagine that!

The wait time for an appointment with the neurologist is 2 months. They can’t get dh in until Feb 29th.

An update on his court thing.. Since the last court date was put off thanks to the lawyer.. We got a summons in the mail yesterday. Dh goes to court Jan 31st which also happens to be my bday. Happy bday to me. I hope it goes well..