The wait time for an appointment with the neurologist is 2 months. They can’t get dh in until Feb 29th.
An update on his court thing.. Since the last court date was put off thanks to the lawyer.. We got a summons in the mail yesterday. Dh goes to court Jan 31st which also happens to be my bday. Happy bday to me. I hope it goes well..
I’ve been driving dh to work and everywhere else now for a week. Its starting to get to me. I’m so tired and not sure I can keep going. Between dh’s stuff and my stuff its becoming overwhelming. I can’t stop yawning. I’m exhausted. Simply exhausted. Thats all I can write now. I must go lay down. I’m forgetting how to function..
Well as of today dh has been told he can no longer drive. he is being reported to the DMV by his doctor as well because he now has an official diagnosis of seizures. The dr said that he MAY be able to get his license back after 2 years of being seizure free.. He has also been started on seizure meds..
Me.. I’m ready to scream. What else do I need thrown upon me? Am I selfish because all i’m thinking about right now is me? I do enough. I take care of enough. The kids, the house.. and now I have to drive him around too??????????????I make 3 trips a day hauling kids.. Now I have to make 2 more hauling dh to work and back. I guess i’m lucky at this point he can still work.. Lets hope he is not let go because of this.
It sure is busy in mine…
In THIS POST I wrote about dh passing out at work and the dr saying he thought it was a seizure. Its been a rough few weeks. Dh has passed out twice since then. He’ll just be doing something and pass out. No warning. Just smooth out. Friday was one of those times.
He had gone to the hunting club to help his friend and they were standing there talking. His friend said suddenly he just passed out. His whole body just hit the ground. Well when dh passed out he hit his head on teh ground. Hard. Busted his head open. After that he couldnt stay awake. He kept passing out over and over again so off to the ER we went. After waiting HOURS to be triaged they finally triaged him and put him immediately in a trauma room. They ran a cat scan and did b lood work and determind everything was normal but said he had a seizure. Explained there is no way to prove it but by law they are obligated to tell the health department who is by law obligated to report it to the DMV. I could cry thinkinga bout this.
I dont know what we’ll do. This is the 3rd time he has passed out. I feel like whats next. Part of me is so angry with dh for this because I blame him. I blame his addiction to pain killers and xanax as the reason for this. And i have a right to feel this way. The dr has justified my feelings on this. In that his addiction could be the cause of this!!!!!!!! So whats next??????????
Tell me.. Whats been going on in your world???????/
So I’ve lost 20 lbs in a few months. I however busted my ass to lose the 20 lbs. It didn’t come off easily and I doubt it will stay off easily. Point is. I worked my ass off to lose that weight. I ate, exercised and exercised some more. Anyone who has been on meds for bipolar knows how easy it is to gain weight while on them. To lose while on them is hard! Anyhow my point..
Dh has noticed the weight loss.. He has been gaining weight. And while gaining loves to claim that he is just swollen. Sorry that line will only get you so far. You are not swollen you are gaining weight. Admit it already! It drives me bonkers that he will say,”none of my shirts fit anymore” then look at me and say,”I’m so swollen” . He is not swollen. He is gaining weight. So should I look at myself and say,” I’m just swollen”? NO! I’m over weight. I have weight to lose and I’m busting my ass to get rid of it. Its not going to fall off over night nor am I going to just become “un-swollen” like he seems to think he is going to wake up and not be swollen anymore. It infuriates me to no end to hear him DAILY say that he is just so swollen. Maybe it makes him feel better to say he is just swollen.. I dunno..you can’t disguise weight gain with claims of being swollen.. it doesnt work.
Anyhow.. about my weight loss.. Dh has been making comments about my weight loss.. About how this is different and that’s different on my body and how sex is now different.. He says he says these things to make me feel good but it doesnt. It makes me feel like crap. Maybe I’m backwards and should feel good about his comments but I dont. They make me feel worse. Because I still have weight to lose and question what he really thinks. So no matter what he says I’m not going to feel good about it because he said those things before I lost 20 lbs and now he is saying its different. How did he really feel before??????
I can’t tell you how long ago I stopped taking my meds. I don’t remember. I dont know why. I just kept forgetting. Now my moods are flip flopping around again and mania is looming and depression too. I’m up and I’m down and i ‘m all over the place.
I flipped out on dh yesterday. Called him a stupid son of a bitch. A term that has never graced my lips before. He keeps asking me whats wrong. Nothing is wrong. Just nothing is right. I just want to be left alone. I’m so irritable. So sad. So down. THEN I’m so excited about Christmas. Something I’ve never been before as an adult either. Normally I loathe Christmas. I hate it. Dread it. Everything about it. But at times I find myself almost giddy with excitement. Then.. I’m back to being down again. Sad even. Then I’m so bored. Can’t find anything to keep me occupied. Its driving me insane. I’m staying on top of the laundry and the dishes and things aren’t piling up yet. I’m just so bored but on top of it all I dont feel like moving out of this chair. I took a bath at midnight last night.. I was bored.
Im going back and forth pretty rapidly. One minute the kids are annoying the hell out of me the next I can’t be bothered the next its just grand because they are so excited Christmas is here. Right now I’m not ready to hate this yet. But the sadness that comes is really bad. I think I’ll go take my meds now.
He doesnt see how I watch him
watch him sleep, eat, think.
He doesnt know how my mind
has memorized everything
I’ve been watching him for years now. I know his every feature. His every line, wrinkle, curl. I watch him all the time. As if he was something rare. A jewel. Something I can see but never touch. It pains me to watch him. To watch him so intently. It hurts deep down inside because I can never get in. I can watch him all I want but he’ll never be what I need. He’ll never be what I want him to be. I long for something I can never have. Yet I can’t put my finger on just what that is. I just know it will never be there. I can’t change him and I cant mold to what he needs me to be. Cant equals wont. I’m not that person.
My wonderful dad.. He bought me a new monitor for christmas!! WOOO HOOOOO It came in today! Look and see..
I loathe christmas shopping. It’s not the giving that bothers me. It’s the push and pull to move down the aisle at the grocery store or any store for that matter. Its how grumpy people become and how rude they become this time of year. The time of year when its about caring and giving and people become just evil! I had to go to the store today for the average run of the mill things that it takes to keep a household of 6 running smoothly.. You know like toilet paper and garbage bags..LOL.. DIAPERS.. And people were unreal.. They were shoving and taking up an entire aisle to look at one little thing. They didnt give a shit that you needed down that aisle. Not one person said excuse me, thank you, please, pardon me, etc. They didnt care!
Anyhow. I’m almost done with my shopping. I’ve got a few people left then the whole Santa things left. I dread shopping this time of year. I’ll get finished this coming weekend after DH gets paid..
Dancing shadows on the walls
play with my mind
my freedom slows
I’m not up
i’m not down
I’m just somewhere in the round
I’m so tired
I can’t sleep
Its been a week
Can’t get up
cant move around
i’m too lost to be found
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