Ivy Tied Up |

I went to the dr on Friday. It was that time again.. You know the every 3 months dr appt to see “how i’m doing”. I told him I was fine. Which he doesnt like to hear.. He always asks what that means. I told him things were going okay and that I had stopped taking my meds. I started to continue and he told me to stop and asked why I had stopped taking my meds. I told him I had just forgotten and then once I kept forgetting I forgot even more. I have no idea how long I went with out meds because I lose all sense of time while I”m off meds. I also gained back some of the weight I had lost. I’m more able to “work through stuff” and “focus on a goal” while on meds. Off meds i’m a unorganized mess. Anyhow the dr is convinced that I didn’t just forget to take my meds. He said that subconsciously I started to think I was okay and didnt need the meds so I stopped taking them. And when I realized I wasn’t okay or that things started going badly I realized I needed them and started taking them again. I really thought he was going to fuss at me for going “off meds” but he didnt. Not at all. What he said made sense and I think he is right because I questioned why I needed to go back to the dr because I thought I was doing so well. Hubby on the other hand informed me that I was not exactly doing well that my moods were all over the place. I know i’ve been more irritable lately but I blame it on the circumstances surrounding me lately. You know chaos follows me constantly. I was informed by the school last week that my daughter has failed the 3rd grade. I was devastated and there is way more to the story than i’m going to go into right now as i’m still really upset over this and having trouble coping with it. As her parent I feel like a failure.

My anxiety has been through the roof and the ativan the dr put me on was not working. So he has now switched me to xanax. I don’t like xanax but am willing to give it a try. My reasons for not liking it are based solely on dh’s addiction to them. I’ve hidden them. I dont think he’ll find them as they are not in this house. How sad is that?????

I had a nice mothers day despite the fact that a horrible storm rolled through in the wee early morning hours and the hail (it lasted 20 minutes) damaged my car pretty badly. We had lunch with my mother, sister and grandmother. The kids played outside for hours and are REALLY worn out.. It was a nice day. The weather was perfect (usually is after a horrible storm!)I hope you all had a wonderful Mothers day!

I read a blog post the other day where a lady was asking about grandparents vs. babysitters.. Apparently the lady had “over used” her mother as a babysitter and her mom was feeling less like a grandma and more like the full time babysitter.. The issue of grandparents has been on my mind alot lately. Mainly because my parents are not what I think of when I think of grandparents.

I had the worlds best grandparents. They rocked! We were always at my grandparents house. We went on vacations with them and spent many many weekends there. My grandmother always read us stories and we put on plays for them, sang to them, fixed their hair, cooked with them. They were/are what I think of when I think of grandparents and how they should be. My parents are VERY different from that.

I dont know if its their age. They are edging towards the end of their 40s but still I’m not sure I believe age should matter. They rarely spend time with the kids. My oldest is almost 9 and I can count on my fingers how many times my parents have kept my kids or had them over to stay. They have never invited the kids to come stay with them. EVER. My kids have had to beg them to stay and 99.9% of the time the answer has been no. They have kept the kids when they were “forced”. By forced I mean I was in the hospital having one of the kids and there was no other alternative.

I really feel like my kids have missed out on something big when it comes to grandparents. Maybe I have high expectations.. My husbands parents aren’t worth a shit when it comes to the kids and then my parents refuse to give up their free time. I feel like my kids have gotten the short end of the stick. My dad told me one time that they had raised their kids and now its their time. I get that totally. I’ve never asked them to “raise” my kids. Matter of fact I rarely ask my parents to watch the kids. And 9 out of the 10 times i’ve asked they’ve said no. I just feel like my kids are missing out greatly on what SHOULD be a very special relationship with their grandparents.

My parents feel they are still young and deserve their time.. They are still young and they do deserve their time. But these kids are not going to still be little when they are “older” and are ready to give their time. These kids are going to be grown when my parents are ready to give their time and I think they might be resentful of the little time they were given. Maybe I have it all wrong and i’m selfish or something like that.. I just expect grandparents to be grandparents, or expect them to be like my grandparents were.

And another thing that really makes me say HUH is my parents feel like when they are asked to watch my kids that we are asking them to “raise them” or we are throwing a burden on them.. If thats the case.. WTH were they doing to my grandparents when they hauled us over there every weekend?

I hope everyone had a wonderful Easter. The weather here was wonderful. It was sunny and cool out. Very spring like. The kids loved it. We spent the day at my parents house where we had a big Easter dinner. The kids hunted eggs and even hid them for the adults to hunt.. Wyatt was crabby. Very unlike himself. Everyone calls him smiley because he is always smiling and happy. No one has ever seen him in a bad mood or with a frown. Yesterday he walked around all day fussing and crying. He has been sick since earlier last week and still isnt feeling much better. If he is still not better tomorrow i’m calling the dr and taking him back in. Over all though the day was nice.

DH came home from work today with his eyes burnt. He is a welder. His eyes are FRIED. This is the 2nd time he had burned them bad in the last few months. He will have to miss work tomorrow because he can’t work with his eyes like this. They are just pouring tears and he is in a lot of pain.

I enjoyed today. The kids were back at school and it was quiet in the house. No chaos and screaming and fighting. I was able to lay down and take a nap. Which I desperately needed. I haven’t been sleeping because dh has been fighting and screaming in his sleep and keeping me up at night for the last few weeks. I’m running on empty. Last night he was having a nightmare and woke me up by grabbing my hair and yelling at “me”.. When he finally woke up he had no idea where he was or who he was talking to. I hate it when he is like that. It drives me nuts. He has some really warped dreams. I’m starting to think sleeping next to him is dangerous. I’ve got to get some sleep soon though. Today I slept most of the day because I was so exhausted.

I am feeling better though. A bit more creative and alive. I’m glad to be feeling that way again. Its been a long while.

I can’t wait till monday. It just can’t come soon enough. Spring break has been hard on me. Sick kids all at the same time. Its just too much for any person to handle. And I can’t tolerate the non stop fighting. Part of me doesnt know how I got here. How did I have 4 kids? What on earth possessed me to have 4 kids? Granted none of them were planned. Now I feel guilty for feeling like that. I love my kids more than anything. I put their lives before mine. Easily. I’d do anything for them. But I still don’t know how I got here. I never wanted kids. At times I find it hard to tolerate the things they do and the way they act.. At times I want to run my head into the wall over and over and over again until I pass out from the pain.

I find joy in some of the things they do. Other times i’m aggravated by all the petty crap they do and pull. Like I’ve said a dozen times. I’m not the world’s best mom. I wouldn’t even make it into the top 10 or 100 for that matter. I dont get all giddy over every little thing they do. I’m pretty relaxed about a lot of things and overly strict about others. Sometimes I expect them to be kids others I expect them to be mini adults. I Right now that sounds absurd but its the truth. I dont think they know what I expect from them half the time. How bad am I screwing my kids up with that?

 Right now them being home all this week is really pushing my buttons. I can’t think from all the chaos and noise. DH doesnt understand because he isnt home with them all day. I think he secretly looks forward to monday’s too so he can go back to work and get out of this house. THe fighting is NON STOP between the kids. They are all as different as night and day and the older 3 are always at each others throats. Every day its a new fight over the same old thing. 2 of them gang up on the other one and someone is always left out. Wyatt is too young to be a part of this right now but soon enough he’ll be in there with them.

Even my “good child”(I believe every parent has a good child) has started showing her bum lately. Being in PreK has given her attitude like you wouldnt believe. She comes home with this attitude. She thinks she is hot stuff lately and doesnt have to mind me. She says things she picks up at school and thinks she is going to get away with. Diva and I are at each others throats. I can’t believe the attitude this child has at only 8 years old.

As much as I question how I got here I can’t imagine my life with out these kids. I can’t remember what it was like when they were not a part of it. They drive me completely insane yet if anything happened to them it would ruin my world. If we can just make it through these next few years..LOL.. I dont know how i’ll survive the summer time with them all home day after day, week after week..

Its spring break week in our house. And we’ve had a ball.. Monday Wyatt felt like crap. Tuesday sugar was sick. She had 101.5 fever turned around said,”Momma” and proceeded to throw up everywhere. Wed Wyatt was running 101 fever and had/s goopy yellow stuff coming out of his eyes and his nose.. So today I’m taking Wyatt and Bug to the dr. Bug because his asthma is out of control and I need more controller meds for him and a mask for the nebulizer. Sugar however is feeling better and running around like mad.

 I’m not the worlds best mom or wife. I can be rather lazy and lethargic at times. Other times I can be mean, controlling, obsessive, demanding, irritable, the list goes on. Other times I’m happy and down to earth or overly attentive and happy. You get my point. I can be many different things and rarely the same thing for too long. One thing that has always stood no matter which mood I’m in is that the kids have a list of chores that they MUST do. I refuse to clean up their messes. To some this makes me a bad parent. Some people look at me and say,”They are your kids! You are supposed to take care of them” My taking care of my kids has little to do with me cleaning up their messes. I do NOT clean up their messes. Not when they are old enough to clean them up themselves! Everyday we have a routine. I clean the house up . Do the general cleaning but I leave their messes for them. In the afternoon when they get home from school they clean up the mess they made that morning. (ex. their clothes all over the place from getting ready for school) They work together to clean up the living room while I get dinner started. Then we all work on home work and get that done. They help me do the dishes and the laundry and take out the garbage. Taking care of a house of 6 is a big job. I refuse to do it alone. These kids are old enough to help with the dishes and laundry and do age appropriate cleaning around the house. They are also responsible for their rooms. After all the cleaning up THEIR mess only takes about 15 minutes of their day IF they get busy and do it. The laundry. I fold it they put it up. Easy enough.

Sometimes they get on the kicks where they refuse to do anything. Thats fine. I equally refuse to do anything and we end up with nothing getting done but they learn they don’t go outside, play, watch tv if nothing is getting done. I refuse to carry the entire weight of this household by myself. Even more when its NOT MY MESS! I do not throw trash on the floor. I do not throw my clothes all over the living room and I do not have my toys in the hall way waiting to be stepped on. But in all honesty. My husband is worse than the kids are! He literally does jack crap around here and makes the largest mess.

I’m feeling a bit better today. Better than I was last week. More in control than I was last week. It could have to do with being able to sleep in with spring break here. Not having to play taxi for the kids every morning. More to come later.

What does one have to do with the other? Nothing really..

 Our hot water heater was in worse shape than we expected. It was only 8 years old and the bottom was completely rusted out of it. We finally managed to get a new hot water heater and all is well in the world of hot water.

Now onto the puberty part of the post..

My oldest seems to be going through puberty. She is only 8 years old! How is this even possible? And no i’m not mistaken. Its really happening. Her being 8 really concerns me but its happening.  Acne, body changes, mood swings. Its all there.. All of this and she is too young to understand whats going on with her body. But it concerns her too. Actually it has her a bit freaked out. She really is too immature to deal with this and understand it. I can try to explain it to her till i’m blue in the face but the fact is that she is not mature enough to deal with it or understand it. If she starts her period anytime soon i’m not sure I know how to deal with it. She is just too young for all this. SHE IS ONLY 8!!!!! Puberty crap at 8 is NOT okay. Her mood swings are hard enough to deal with as it is. I know girls are hitting puberty earlier and earlier now but this is just too early.  The acne I said okay its normal. The body changes already.. Everyone I know who has older kids. Their kids still havent had the changes my daughter is going through already and their kids are 11-13. Its just too much!

 Please stop by my friend Michele’s blog and read her post help for breast cancer.

Its not testicular cancer. it is cancer but not testicular. Its another kind that is worse than testicular cancer. They are waiting on teh biopsy results to come back to confirm the kind of cancer it is and all the tests they ran to tell how bad it is.. They believe it was contained in the testicle and are pretty optimistic. I’ve seen what Chemo can do to an adult.. I can’t believe my nephew is going to have to go through this! They believe they caught it very early.

My 3 year old nephew had surgery today.. He has testicular cancer a rare form of.. He is only 3.. 2 weeks ago they noticed a lump while bathing him. They kept an eye on it and it got bigger theyt ook him in on tuesday to the ped.. they did tests told her they didnt know.. Sent her to houston who did more tests.. poked and prodded the baby.. Took pictures of him embarrassing the hell out of him and did surgery this morning to find out he has a rare form of cancer. We don’t know how advanced it is yet.. we’ll know more later today. He is okay. They say its treatable if they caught it early enough. He is only 3 years old.. He has to have radiation or chemo.. He is 3!!!!!!!!!!! I don’t ask alot… please keep him in your thoughts..

Its been a REALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL fun week (last week included).. Please please note the HUGE doses of sarcasm please.. Because they are screaming “CAN YOU HEAR ME”..

First.. Me and the 2 boys caught a stomach bug after diva had it over a week ago.. It was then gifted to Wyatt.. Who gifted it to me and bug.. Then Wyatt caught it again. So while we were suppose to do well visits at the drs office today we are stuck home sick and unable to leave the house. It amazes me.. The kids refuse to share anything.. but they’ll damn sure share germs!

Then my phone line keeps going down. It’s the weather knocking it out. We seem to have a bad thunderstorm every afternoon. Not a problem thats part of living in SE Texas.. Only now its pulling my phone line down with it and when the phone goes down.. The internet goes down.. Sometimes i’m lucky and my phone will go down with out pulling my dsl down.. But no.. not that lucky lately..
Not really a huge deal.. Just an annoying Pain in the ass..

A friend called me the other day and told me she is cheating on her husband. Filled me in on all the gory details that I really didnt want to know. So now I feel like im doing something wrong..I almost hope she gets caught. Her husband doesnt deserve it.. I really dont get whats going on lately.. I know a few people cheating right now..

about my last post.. Not much to update.. Waiting on the lawyer to do his thing.. Its pretty much a waiting game now.. I’m not willing to post the details here due to the fact that someone involved might come upon my blog or already know about it and it cause more problems.. But i’ll tell you.. Your worst case scenarios.. Its not that bad.. But its not the least either..

My opinion right now is that shit happens.. Just sit back and watch..

Diva turns 8 on the 18th of this month.. I can’t believe I have an 8 year old.. I really cant.. She has the attitude of a 20 year old and the fashion sense of a 13 year old..

And thank you those of you who sent me emails about my new layout! I appreciate it!

Well this last week has been extremely something..

I havent been sick or anything. Just really tired due to my Anemia.. My iron fell too low and Ive been extremely exhausted..More so than normal and extremely cold.. Its 90 something outside..Everyone else in the house is burning up and i have a jacket on..Not to mention..VERY VERY WEAK!!!!!!!! I could barely lift my arms this weekend i was so weak.. I’m back on the dreaded iron again.. So hopefully in a few days i wont be so weak.. This is something i’ve dealt with for a long time..

Last week my Air conditioner went out.. It was 95 outside and like 110 in my house.. It was soooooooooooooooooo nasty in here.. The kids were hot and miserable.. My family had some window units we could borrow but it only cools the living room and my bedroom.. We will need more if we cant get the a/c fixed soon..

I had a drs appt yesterday. The dr todl me he wont allow me to go to sleep for the c section. The risk to the baby are too high since this is a 4th c section and there is a lot of scar tissue.. I’m terrified..He knwos this. He was really understanding and concerned. He promised me it wouldnt happen again and i know that.. but it doesnt ease the fear.. He said they could make me loopy and i wouldnt care where i was at..LOL.. That might work..It MIGHT..
I start counseling this thursday.. We’ll see how it goes..

I had an ultrasound today.. The baby looks great! I’m measuring RIGHT on time for my due date.. And it looks great..

Found out too..

[img]http://www.venusspeaks.com/ivytiedup/photos/data/media/3/Animation200.gif[/img]

And stubborn IS the word for it.. It took an hour to get him to show us what he was.He wouldnt be still.. Kept moving and kicking but when it kicked..He kept his legs together..He was constantly moving his hands.. VERY BUSY LIL ONE!

So his name will either be Aiden Matthew or Wyatt Avery.. Its now up to DH to decide between the two.. Although he told me it doesnt matter what he chooses because i’m going to do what i want to anyhow.. but thats not true.. I do want his input..IF he had any..He doesnt seem to have any.. Everyone keeps asking..Is dh happy its a b oy?

The answer.. is no. He doesnt mind one way or another what it is.. He just wants a healthy baby..Thats what we both want.. We NEED a healthy baby..

Also now our kids will be like this GIRL-Boy-Girl-Boy.. LOL 2 girls 2 boys.. My son is thrilled its a boy..When we told him..he said,”I knew that already”

Sugar however felt differently..she said,”Its a grl”

I told her it was not a girl that she was going to have a little brother..she said okay.. LOL

So we shall see… Things are going smoothly Now to just get my house fixed from the hurricane..still fighting contractors and finance company..