Ivy Tied Up |

Dear you,
I don’t know what you want me to say. Things aren’t as clearly black and white as I wish they could be. You want more from me than I can give or understand.

I’ve got walls i’ve built up. I spent so many years training myself not to feel anything. Not to be hurt. Not to feel pain. Not to cry. Not to love. I don’t know how to pull those walls down. They are so high. Seems like every time I try to break one down I put up another in its place. I dont have the energy to be hurt again. I end up hurting others to avoid being hurt.

Part of me really wants to care for you. I enjoy you. I really do. Part of me wants to let you in. Part of me wants to tell you things I wouldn’t tell others. There is a larger part that laughs at the other parts. Because I know I wont. I can’t. You’ll just hurt me like all the rest.

There are many things about me people don’t know. Many things I can’t bring myself to share. And so many reasons i’m the way I am. So much pain, hurt, humiliation. You’ll only bring more.

I want to be your friend. I’m not even sure I know how to do that. LIke i’ve told you before. I trust very few. And its not fair to ask you to jump through hoops. There just isnt enough left of me to give..

Love
Ivy

Okay so maybe im a horrible person. I can’t understand it at all.. I don’t know how to make that stop. Dh is trying.. over and over again he is trying.. Me.. I JUST WANT HIM TO LEAVE ME ALONE… Its too much.. Okay so i’m never satisfied.. I dont know how to solve that.. He is smothering me.. I can’t take it.. I can’t breathe!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!

He says ,”what you dont love me anymore” I cant even give him that.. I say,”sometimes” and thats it.. i’m cold.. careless.. Its like im floating outside my body and I see myself say the words and the expression on my face and its mean.. Its cold.. and I cant help it.. I see/ hear it but I dont stop it.. What the hell is wrong with me? How can I be so careless and mean.. So cruel? Part of me cares.. its a very small part mind you.. He calls.. And he checks on me.. and he says,”i love you” i say,”bye” he says,”I love you”.. I say,”bye” and hang up.. I want him to leave.. but if he ever does.. It will hurt and i’ll cry.. I think..

I’ve tried to divorce him many times.. I’ve told him I hated him.. Refuse to tell him I love him.. yet he says,”no you dont”.. and wont give me a divorce easily.. why not? What would I do if he did? I dont know really.. Im pretty cruel I know.. Now alot of it.. doesnt go unwarranted.. He deserves atleast half of what he gets.. The past is proof.. He deserves atleast half.. But not all..

I grew up with my mom doing my dad the same way.. Not only did she do my dad that way but me as well.. Rarely did she do my sister like that but thats another story for another day. But she spent atleast 16 years being hateful to both my dad and I… She’d go out of her way to make my dad miserable.. He put up with it for awhile. now that i’m grown. Alot of things have come out. Alot of things I didnt know about as a kid.. So some was warranted but certainly not all and im not sure i’d say half (maybe i’m a daddy’s girl i dunno). but I see alot of my mom in me and its scary.. They separated on and off through out the years.. I dont remember any of them until I was 18 and my dad moved out.. Even now they are still together and have separated many times in the last 9 years.. my mom can be a cold, heartless, cruel person. Hate you when she has you and want you or need you like mad when you walk away.. Her and my dad keep dancing the same dance and he refuses to give up on her.. Why.. I dunno.. i havent figured that out yet.. Maybe tis the same reason I havent ever given up on her no matter how cruel she was.. Maybe its because every time its REALLY counted and that we’ve REALLY needed her.. She was there.. She’ll bend over backwards and help alot of people out there.. but she’ll be a bitch while doing it.. You’ll swear she hates your guts while she is helping you out.. So why knowing all I know about her and how I swore i’d never turn out like her.. Why can’t I stop myself from being her? I dont want to dance.. I dont want to play this game.

im not exactly like her.. I’m not bitter and I dont hate hte world.. My only problem is with my husband.. Her problem was with just about everyone.. She just put most of her anger and hostility and resentment towards me and my dad.. I just dont know why i do the things I do.. When i’m doing them.. i dont care. and its not really what i do as how i act towards him and what I say.. because really I do not DO anything wrong.. Im just mean, i say and act horribly.. And even knowing this.. If he wakes me up in the morning like he did this morning.. I’ll go off on him.. He’ll say ,”i love you and i’ll say i hate you” and walk off like its nothing.. I wont even blink or bat and eye lash.. I wont have a second thought about saying it.. not until at night when i’m writing.. Why the hell does he stick around? I dont want to be around.. why does he?

A week and half ago I was ready to make a post about a relationship I had finally laid to rest. And by relationship I don’t mean sexual or even romantic.. It was a strong friendship/spiritual/emmotional relationship. One I had held on to for a long time. Even with no contact between us for a while I still held on to it. I do not think i’m the only one that held on. I think they did too.. But after awhile our conversations became far and few between. You could say life took over and we both had too much going on. Yet I dont believe that is/was the case. I believe over time we were both pulling away. However no matter how hard we pulled we couldnt let go. Why? I still havent figured that out yet. We held on to each other like it was something we needed. Couldnt live with out. That connection was really strong. After 8 years we couldnt let go. We’d go months with out speaking. Trying to rid our minds of each other. The hold we had over each other. Trying our hardest to let go. Ignoring each other. We’d leave lil messages for the other every once in a while (every few months) to make ourselves feel better. We’d tell ourselves it was for the other.. But truthfully deep down we wondered if the other still thought about us and we also told ourselves we werent letting the other down as long as we’d say hello occassionally.

In the past we spoke daily. All day occassionally. Then several times a day. We helped each other out. There was a connection that no one else understood. We were just alike in how we thought, felt, ect. Over the last 3 1/2 years that relationship has faded. The connection still there.. Still rather strong. But the urge to run and pull away and go on with our lives very very strong. As the connection held us and sucked the air out of us choking us till we couldnt breathe. Such a strange phrase to describe a connection. But its true.. The connection was like a noose around our necks.

As we both pulled away relief started to take the place of regret. I found myself starting to breathe again. I stopped feeling obligated and the need to rely on this person. And to make myself available to this person. I started to forget about them. To slowly stop thinking about them. Wondering where they were, if they were okay, what they were doing. It slowly came to an end. And just when I was ready to let it go completely.. I sign on to the net and there it waits..

After 6 months.. 6 months of nothing. 6 months of forgetting. 6 months of stopping myself from caring, from wondering there it was..

HIDDEN FORP ROTECTION: meant to get on last week and wish ya a happy VD [Offline Message (Fri Feb 24 10:15:06 2006)]

And then it dawns on me.. I havent forgotten.. I can’t forget and I probably wont. And then it all came back again.. Why does it work that way?????????

I promised….Finally I can get into my email account so here you go….

Hi Ivy,
Thank you for allowing me to share my secrets with everyone. I can’t share my name because of the seriousness of my letter, but I do read your blog even though I haven’t commented.

Being married isn’t easy. Its one of the toughest things I’ve ever done in my life. I married at 17. After 20 years together I’m ready to get off of the roller coaster. I feel like the theme park closed years ago and they forgot to let me off and close down the ride. As the cart inches slowly upward in its crawl to the highest point my stomach clinches and my heart stops because it knows what’s to come.
The first few years were filled with laughs and good times. He’d bring home flowers for any occasion, help me with the dishes, wash clothes, on the weekends we’d cook dinner together and spend what the experts call “quality family time”. Over the years his coming home on time faded. He would spend nights working. Gone until two or three in the morning. The kids started getting older and I started to get lonely. I tried for years to talk to him about it. To tell him how I felt. Being a stay at home mom. I had everything I could possibly want. Everything that money could by that is.
He always felt that it was my duty to stay home. He could provide for our family and provide for us he did. When the kids stopped needing me to tend to their every need, I felt the need to get back into the real world. Expand my horizons and start to live again. Loving my kids was easy, living my life with out them to take care of wasn’t. For years they were my responsibility. They were everything I had. They were me, or was it that I was them?

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When 2pm rolled around oh say 20 minutes ago. I had finally finished visiting my daily reads and wanted to sit down and do a bit of blogging myself. Instead I found myself standing, angry, in front of my kitchen counter mixing salt, pepper, and other spices into hamburger meat so I could fix the hubby something to eat.

Bug walks in and proceeds to tell me that my hands were nasty. I reply quietly and he walked off to either play the latest round of bumper cars with his trucks and cars, or rip the heads off of his sister’s barbies. All this time I’m standing there mixing meat, forming patties and warming the skillet, the girls cries, echoing in the background, I’m getting more and more angry.

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This is a true story from a friend of mine. Sensitive subject. Domestic violence.

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This of course is a funny lil narrative of my sex life.. So if your easily offended or do not give a rats *ss about my sex life.. Then make the choice to stop reading..

Of course my hubby would flip out if he knew I shared..
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So much has happened today i’m literally at my wits end. I cant find which way is up. I wish I had someone to talk to about it. Some things just cant be posted not even in a blog. But I will say KIDS! Damn it! Sometimes I think that I have NO CLUE what im doing here.

Onto the next big thing. Well dear hubby put in his application to go over seas for work. It makes me sick. How could he do something like this when I’m so very against it? What does it say for my marriage? I guess deep down I know what it says about my marriage. I guess I knew all along he doesnt care about my opinion or this family. I just dont know..

My infatuation stopped by today. Of course I knew he would. Thing is.. Today was different. At first I wanted to see him. Bad. Today was different. Things werent the same. What right do I have even wondering about it. Sitting here writing this down its absurd. I have no right at all.No right to feel what I feel. No right to think what I think and no right to dwell on this like I am. What im asking myself more than anything is whats so wrong in my marriage that I need this lesser dose of reality? Whats scary. Is that I already know the answer. And there is no way to fix it. WHY ME?????????????????????????????????????????

I almost want hubby to go to iraq. Get him out of my hair. He is hoping to get a contract for a year. I finally told him to go. But that I couldnt promise that the kids and I would be here when he got back. I dont want to live and face the demons of our marriage alone. If he goes. I cant pretend everything is fine.

WTF? My dear, crazy, idiotic husband wants to go to work in Iraq. He has a friend who will be going soon to work for a contractor over there and he wants dh to go.. UM YEAH OKAY! He has 3 kids here! I can totally see that working out..

But on the other hand.. It would mean several months of no fighting.. And it might be peaceful..