Ivy Tied Up |

I hope everyone had a wonderful Easter. The weather here was wonderful. It was sunny and cool out. Very spring like. The kids loved it. We spent the day at my parents house where we had a big Easter dinner. The kids hunted eggs and even hid them for the adults to hunt.. Wyatt was crabby. Very unlike himself. Everyone calls him smiley because he is always smiling and happy. No one has ever seen him in a bad mood or with a frown. Yesterday he walked around all day fussing and crying. He has been sick since earlier last week and still isnt feeling much better. If he is still not better tomorrow i’m calling the dr and taking him back in. Over all though the day was nice.

DH came home from work today with his eyes burnt. He is a welder. His eyes are FRIED. This is the 2nd time he had burned them bad in the last few months. He will have to miss work tomorrow because he can’t work with his eyes like this. They are just pouring tears and he is in a lot of pain.

I enjoyed today. The kids were back at school and it was quiet in the house. No chaos and screaming and fighting. I was able to lay down and take a nap. Which I desperately needed. I haven’t been sleeping because dh has been fighting and screaming in his sleep and keeping me up at night for the last few weeks. I’m running on empty. Last night he was having a nightmare and woke me up by grabbing my hair and yelling at “me”.. When he finally woke up he had no idea where he was or who he was talking to. I hate it when he is like that. It drives me nuts. He has some really warped dreams. I’m starting to think sleeping next to him is dangerous. I’ve got to get some sleep soon though. Today I slept most of the day because I was so exhausted.

I am feeling better though. A bit more creative and alive. I’m glad to be feeling that way again. Its been a long while.

I can’t wait till monday. It just can’t come soon enough. Spring break has been hard on me. Sick kids all at the same time. Its just too much for any person to handle. And I can’t tolerate the non stop fighting. Part of me doesnt know how I got here. How did I have 4 kids? What on earth possessed me to have 4 kids? Granted none of them were planned. Now I feel guilty for feeling like that. I love my kids more than anything. I put their lives before mine. Easily. I’d do anything for them. But I still don’t know how I got here. I never wanted kids. At times I find it hard to tolerate the things they do and the way they act.. At times I want to run my head into the wall over and over and over again until I pass out from the pain.

I find joy in some of the things they do. Other times i’m aggravated by all the petty crap they do and pull. Like I’ve said a dozen times. I’m not the world’s best mom. I wouldn’t even make it into the top 10 or 100 for that matter. I dont get all giddy over every little thing they do. I’m pretty relaxed about a lot of things and overly strict about others. Sometimes I expect them to be kids others I expect them to be mini adults. I Right now that sounds absurd but its the truth. I dont think they know what I expect from them half the time. How bad am I screwing my kids up with that?

 Right now them being home all this week is really pushing my buttons. I can’t think from all the chaos and noise. DH doesnt understand because he isnt home with them all day. I think he secretly looks forward to monday’s too so he can go back to work and get out of this house. THe fighting is NON STOP between the kids. They are all as different as night and day and the older 3 are always at each others throats. Every day its a new fight over the same old thing. 2 of them gang up on the other one and someone is always left out. Wyatt is too young to be a part of this right now but soon enough he’ll be in there with them.

Even my “good child”(I believe every parent has a good child) has started showing her bum lately. Being in PreK has given her attitude like you wouldnt believe. She comes home with this attitude. She thinks she is hot stuff lately and doesnt have to mind me. She says things she picks up at school and thinks she is going to get away with. Diva and I are at each others throats. I can’t believe the attitude this child has at only 8 years old.

As much as I question how I got here I can’t imagine my life with out these kids. I can’t remember what it was like when they were not a part of it. They drive me completely insane yet if anything happened to them it would ruin my world. If we can just make it through these next few years..LOL.. I dont know how i’ll survive the summer time with them all home day after day, week after week..

Its spring break week in our house. And we’ve had a ball.. Monday Wyatt felt like crap. Tuesday sugar was sick. She had 101.5 fever turned around said,”Momma” and proceeded to throw up everywhere. Wed Wyatt was running 101 fever and had/s goopy yellow stuff coming out of his eyes and his nose.. So today I’m taking Wyatt and Bug to the dr. Bug because his asthma is out of control and I need more controller meds for him and a mask for the nebulizer. Sugar however is feeling better and running around like mad.

 I’m not the worlds best mom or wife. I can be rather lazy and lethargic at times. Other times I can be mean, controlling, obsessive, demanding, irritable, the list goes on. Other times I’m happy and down to earth or overly attentive and happy. You get my point. I can be many different things and rarely the same thing for too long. One thing that has always stood no matter which mood I’m in is that the kids have a list of chores that they MUST do. I refuse to clean up their messes. To some this makes me a bad parent. Some people look at me and say,”They are your kids! You are supposed to take care of them” My taking care of my kids has little to do with me cleaning up their messes. I do NOT clean up their messes. Not when they are old enough to clean them up themselves! Everyday we have a routine. I clean the house up . Do the general cleaning but I leave their messes for them. In the afternoon when they get home from school they clean up the mess they made that morning. (ex. their clothes all over the place from getting ready for school) They work together to clean up the living room while I get dinner started. Then we all work on home work and get that done. They help me do the dishes and the laundry and take out the garbage. Taking care of a house of 6 is a big job. I refuse to do it alone. These kids are old enough to help with the dishes and laundry and do age appropriate cleaning around the house. They are also responsible for their rooms. After all the cleaning up THEIR mess only takes about 15 minutes of their day IF they get busy and do it. The laundry. I fold it they put it up. Easy enough.

Sometimes they get on the kicks where they refuse to do anything. Thats fine. I equally refuse to do anything and we end up with nothing getting done but they learn they don’t go outside, play, watch tv if nothing is getting done. I refuse to carry the entire weight of this household by myself. Even more when its NOT MY MESS! I do not throw trash on the floor. I do not throw my clothes all over the living room and I do not have my toys in the hall way waiting to be stepped on. But in all honesty. My husband is worse than the kids are! He literally does jack crap around here and makes the largest mess.

I’m feeling a bit better today. Better than I was last week. More in control than I was last week. It could have to do with being able to sleep in with spring break here. Not having to play taxi for the kids every morning. More to come later.

I’m not in the mood for anything. I’m so aggravated and pissed off.. At what I dont know. I just want to be left ALONE!!!!! Yet no one seems to understand that. Rather I can’t get alone with 4 kids and a husband who can’t fend for himself. I just need to be left alone. I have to hand it to dh though. He has been off my case lately. Which is really odd because I havent done a freaking thing around here in days maybe weeks. My house looks like a tornado hit it.. I just can’t be bothered to do anything. Actually thats not the whole truth. I dont want to do anything. I’m pissed off because no one respects a single freaking thing I do around here. They come home and throw their shit everywhere and who is left to clean it up? ME! Thats who. And i’m not doing it! I’m just not. I just can’t right now! If I have to pick up another mess that I didnt make i’m going to lose it. I’m going to explode with anger. How hard is it to put your clothes in the dirty clothes? I do it! I dont mind the dishes. I dont mind sweeping the floor and mopping and doing all that must do house hold crap. I really dont. Its when they carelessly destroy it and there are clothes and toys and shoes and TRASH on the floor that I mind. I get pissed off. Its crap! They have no respect! NONE! So i’m finished. I’m on strike. I’m not doing another thing.  They are lucky they have gotten me to cook dinner!

 I’m so freaking lazy lately. I can’t get with the program. I was doing so good and doing what I was supposed to be doing. I was working out, taking my meds, eating right.. Now I just can’t be bothered. I’m so tired but i’m having trouble sleeping. I think its stress..

I took dh to the neurologist for his “seizures” last friday. She doesnt think they are seizures. She has ordered a big long list of tests but she said the same thing my shrink told me when I told him about dh’s “seizures” .  She doesnt know what it is. She said it could be his heart. But she strongly doubts its seizures.. We’ll see what hte tests say. He has them at the end of this month and the beginning of april.

 I spoke to Diva’s dr about her going through puberty already. She said its normal at this age to start going through puberty that kids are starting it earlier and earlier now days.. GREAT! Just what I wanted to hear.. I’m so over her mood swings I could scream. We are going to butt heads more than a few times in the next couple of years.. I can tell that now.. She might just be the one to send me over the edge..

What does one have to do with the other? Nothing really..

 Our hot water heater was in worse shape than we expected. It was only 8 years old and the bottom was completely rusted out of it. We finally managed to get a new hot water heater and all is well in the world of hot water.

Now onto the puberty part of the post..

My oldest seems to be going through puberty. She is only 8 years old! How is this even possible? And no i’m not mistaken. Its really happening. Her being 8 really concerns me but its happening.  Acne, body changes, mood swings. Its all there.. All of this and she is too young to understand whats going on with her body. But it concerns her too. Actually it has her a bit freaked out. She really is too immature to deal with this and understand it. I can try to explain it to her till i’m blue in the face but the fact is that she is not mature enough to deal with it or understand it. If she starts her period anytime soon i’m not sure I know how to deal with it. She is just too young for all this. SHE IS ONLY 8!!!!! Puberty crap at 8 is NOT okay. Her mood swings are hard enough to deal with as it is. I know girls are hitting puberty earlier and earlier now but this is just too early.  The acne I said okay its normal. The body changes already.. Everyone I know who has older kids. Their kids still havent had the changes my daughter is going through already and their kids are 11-13. Its just too much!

 Please stop by my friend Michele’s blog and read her post help for breast cancer.

I’m about as stressed as I could be right now. Our hot water heater has been leaking and we didnt know it till the water reached our bedroom. We spent yesterday cleaning out oru closet (huge walk in closet) and ripping up carpet and the pad under it. From the picture you can see only half our closet. The fan was put in last night to help dry the mess up. There was a Huge mess! Water was everywhere. And to top it off no one around here carries the hot water heater we need.. its a special order! It could have been worse I guess..

I’ve been having connection issues with my Internet for the last few days and tech support is zero help. I’ve had this problem in the past and it seems to be weather related. They literally need to come out here and run a new line but wont do it. Anyhow that wont be an issue after tomorrow because the cable company is coming out to install cable Internet and tv. We haven’t had cable in years. I can’t wait! There is only so many times you can watch the same kids movies over and over again before you start to go a little crazy.

 Bug has been having issues at school. He is staying in trouble and causing problems in the classroom. Apparently he wants to be the class clown. His teacher is at her wits end but wont send him to the principal. I’ve done all I can at home. Punishing him for his behavior at school. Its not working. My suggestion to the teacher was to send him to the principal maybe then he’d take it seriously. Until he learns there are consequences at school for his actions he wont learn. Other than his behavior his grades are good.

 The other kids are doing fairly well. Diva brought her failing math grade up to a 70. Its not heaven but its better than nothing. Sugar is in love still. ONly with a different boy now.. That kid cracks me up but worries me all the same. Wyatt is pretty much doing typical toddler stuff. We’ve found out tantrums are fun and get us no where, but he still proceeds to kick his feet when he doesnt get his way.

I hid my meds again from dh. I hid them last time but he found them. Hopefully he doesnt find them. He knows how mad I was/am over the whole thing. He seems concerned but he is still an addict and an addict can’t be trusted.

Girl scout cookies come in tomorrow.. This is a big deal.  My troop can’t wait to get their cookies. And anyone who has had GS cookies in the past knows they are the best! Last thing I need.. I gained 5 lbs of the 20lbs I lost back.. BLECH!I feel so gross.. I think i’ll donate the cookies I ordered to support the troop.. I think i’ll donate them back to the troop!

I bought 2 ivy’s this weekend. Any dibs on how long they’ll stay alive?

I think thats it for now…

 UPDATE: Cable company didnt show up! Called me at 7pm and asked me to reschedule. They can’t come back till THURSDAY OF NEXT WEEK!!!!!!!!!! They offered me a 20$ credit on my bill.. Ticks me off! BIG TIME! because i’m still having connection issues and the damn phone company wont fix them!

He stole my freaking meds! It pisses me off to no end! He stole my anxiety meds. I believe his addiction to anxiety meds (xanax) and pain pills is the reason he is having his “seizures/episodes”. I can’t believe he did it again! He has done it in the past. He stole my pain meds after having the kids. Now he is taking my anxiety meds with out telling me. I know because I counted them! I had 50. There were 18 missing. I had taken 5 and thats it! HE STOLE MY MEDS! I asked him! He said he took 3 yesterday.. 3 my ass! He took more than that! He might have taken 3 yesterday but he took more the day before! Whats so ironic about this shit is that i’m on the pills because I cant handle his addiction and seizures and all the crap thats going on with it. And he is taking my meds i’m taking to try to cope with him and his shit. I dont even know what to do or say i’m just so furious! I will be telling the neurologist about his addiction. Maybe they’ll listen since his family dr ignored me!

To you, who stole everything from me.

This letter has been a long time coming. I owe you for so much. You deserve credit for so much. Considering you’ll be getting out of prison soon for a crime you committed against someone else I figured it was due time I write down my feelings. Maybe I can remove some of the burden i carry with me daily. You deserve credit for that burden. You’ll never be punished for your crimes you committed against me, my sister, or my cousin but we’ll never forget. We’ll never let it go. They say its best to forgive but you my friend i’ll never forgive because I can never forget. You deserve credit for that.

You deserve credit for the fact that I cant sleep at night. For the night mares I have sometimes. For the reoccurring dreams that leave me scared and feeling alone. You deserve credit for those. You deserve credit for my fear. My inability to go out in public with out feeling as if people are watching me and in turn me having to watch everyone’s every move. The panic attacks I have if a stranger touches me..Yes, you deserve credit for that.

The fact that i’ll never let anyone close to me. I hold everyone at an arms length away. Wont ever let anyone near or in for fear they’ll hurt me or take advantage of me. After all someone very close to me that I was supposed to trust did just that.. Yeah that you deserve credit for. Then there is the memories that cause me to panic if someone walks into a bathroom with me. My own husband cant walk into a bathroom with me because I panic and start crying. Your name is written all over that one.

You deserve credit for my unwillingness to hug people. I feel like they are trying to restrain me. Its that whole dont touch me thing. You worked me over good with that one. I owe you for years of therapy that hasnt gotten me anywhere but able to write this letter. I owe you for endless medications trying to make me feel better.

According to my shrink I owe you for many many things. Mainly my inability to trust anyone but myself. That seems to be the main problem for me. And I give you full 100% credit for that. Who else but you could have done that to me. After all you started fucking me over when I was but a SMALL child. You raped me of my innocence and took so many things i’ll never get back.

I live my life trying to protect those that I value the most from people like you. Once you are out of prison i’ll make sure my kids never see your face. You are not welcome around my family. You will never again be part of my family. You deserve credit for that. You made me who I am today. While I have so many things stacked against me thanks to you I’ve also got so much going for me. I struggle daily to cope with all that you’ve done to me. But its made me stronger in so many ways. I’m no longer that 5 year old little girl who broke her arm trying to get away from you and I meant what I said when I was 14. Do you remember? I’ll spend the rest of my life making sure you don’t harm another. I feel no pain when I said if you ever touched me again i’d break you. I mean it now if you ever come near me or my children i’ll break you. Thats a promise. Your threats worked on a 5 year old.. They worked when I was 10. I’m no longer scared of you and i’m not scared to tell my story.

You’re the reason I am who I am
Ivy

I had a drs appt on thursday. Which just happened to be my birthday.. I’m lying to everyone and telling them i’m 23 in an attempt to avoid turning 30 in 2 years..

The appointment went okay. I wasnt feeling my best. I was actually feeling pretty crappy. Not sick just not mentally there. He asked how I was and I said okay. I guess saying okay to your shrink isnt okay.. Because apparently to them (or atleast to him) okay means something is wrong.. Who am I to argue.. Something IS wrong. Something certainly is not right. I just dont feel right.. I dont know how I feel. Just not right.

TO say i’m stressed would be an understatement. I’ve started having panic attacks. Its been 10 years since i’ve had panic attacks. Last time I got this stressed out I got really sick and couldnt get well. This time i’m just having panic attacks. I feel like someone is stabbing me in the chest and I cant breathe.. I can’t cope with the stress. I can not handle all the stress being put on me and like I told the shrink. I can’t walk away from the stress and say ,” i dont want to handle this”. It doesnt work that way. I have no choice. I have to deal with this mess.. Its part of my Job. Its part of being mom and wife. Its part of my responsibility. I can’t walk away. I can’t say ,’Okay i’ve had enough i’m done.” I dont have that option. I have to continue dealing with it. I have to continue. Yet i’m not coping or dealing. I’m getting “sick” in some sense of the world. Mentally sick.

The dr put me on ativan for the time being. he was going to put me on klonopin (SPL) but wanted to try what they had given me 10 years ago when i had the panic attacks before. I dont think its working though.